My Bucket List

Dear Derrick,

2011-12-03T23:21:00.001-06:00

Well, it's been another long stretch since my last post. You are a junior this year and are doing fairly well with your grades. Ultimate is going great and you love it.

Things with your dad have not been so great and I see your sadness sometimes. It hurts me, makes me paranoid about my own parenting and sometimes makes me very angry with your dad.

You recently broke up with your girlfriend. Even though you were only together for one month, you took it hard. She will be one of many girls you will like in your lifetime. I know it hurts now.

You are such a wonderful kid and I am so proud of you.

Love you,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2011-04-30T21:21:00.002-05:00

It has been awhile since my last post. Much has changed. You are 6'3" and you finally have your very first girlfriend - T.D. I pinch myself most days as it is hard to believe you are so old. I mean, I remember being 16 and remembering what my parents were like. Kinda weird, you know?

You love Ultimate, but I am not sure if you take it seriously. You go to most practices and it is a great social event for you. I am glad you are bonding and making good friendships. The grades could be much better, but you are doing okay.

We had dinner tonight at that little Korean restaurant. You always get the beef gal bi and you have started to like the spicy green beans. You would have never touched them last year. Grandma will be proud of you.

I haven't been feeling so well lately. I don't sleep well at night. Sometimes I have anxiety attacks when I go to bed. Mostly it's because I think about death and dying. It's so scary to think about leaving you behind one day. I worry so much, as I am sure most moms do. I just love you so much.

It's going to be a great summer. Hopefully you will take your written driving test so Grandpa can start teaching you how to drive. I just know once you get your license, I won't see you. All moms wish their boys would stay little forever, but I know that can't be.

I can't wait for the trips we are going to take together this summer. We are going to make lots of great memories.

Love you,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2010-08-07T08:46:00.003-05:00

Your sophomore year of high school is a little over a week away. I can't believe how much you have matured and grown this past year. It amazes me every time I see you.

Your dad hasn't been around much. As you may remember, he spends a lot of time with his new girlfriend. She is half his age and could be your older sister. It's a little gross to think about, but whatever.

He hasn't spent much time with you. You have been mainly staying with me, which I absolutely love! I wish every day could be spent with me.

I am so curious to see how school will go for you this year. Will you have a girlfriend? It's crazy to think about right now.

I know it's going to be your best year yet!

Love You,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2009-11-06T21:55:00.002-06:00

Well, your first year of high school is having its ups and downs. There are some kids picking on you and bullying you around. I know it is so hard to ignore and teenagers can be so cruel. But I can tell you in 4 more years, it's not going to matter. Those bullies and mean kids are not going to matter at all.

There is so much more to life than high school. I know it doesn't seem like it now because it's your life, your time in the moment. But listen to me when I say, it all won't matter in a few years. What will matter is how you learn to handle yourself. What will matter is your character, not your reputation.

One of my favorite quotes of all time is by John Wooden. It is, 'Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.'

Love you,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2009-09-14T12:56:00.002-05:00

Well, your cousin has just turned 18. I miss her so much. I wish that your aunt and I did not have a falling out. It hurts inside knowing how much I have missed out of their lives, how much I have missed being in their lives with you.

Do you remember the Christmases we used to have? We would stay the night on Christmas Eve and I would wake up early and make you, A and A pancakes and bacon for breakfast. We would get up early and cook Christmas dinner. After breakfast, we would open up presents. It was so much fun.

Now A has turned 18. I have missed out on over 4 years of her life. She will be graduating this year. I am so glad you are in the same school as she. It's nice to know someone is there looking after you, just in case. I know you don't need it, but I feel better knowing she is there.

Hopefully one day I can be a part of her life again. Maybe we can all be together again. I know one day she will contact me. It won't ever be the same, but I can't wait for that day.

Days like today are full of memories. I am so happy that you and I are making good memories.

Love you,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2009-08-16T22:52:00.002-05:00

You start your first day of high school tomorrow. And though I know you will be a little nervous, you are going to do great. Always remember to respect your teachers and other students. It's easy to get lost in the wrong crowd, but I know that you will make good decisions. You will have your ups and downs at school, but always remember the good in people and things.

You are growing up so quickly. I remember when you were small enough to only hold one finger on my hand while we walked. Now you are growing up to be such a good young man. I am so proud of you sweetheart.

I love you so much. I am lucky to have such a wonderful son like you.

Love you,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2009-06-21T08:26:00.002-05:00

It's Father's Day. However, you are spending most of the day with me. Your dad has not called about any plans yet today. Not sure if he is going to.

You have been pretty busy this summer, attending camp and making new friends. I have been busy also, with work and more work. Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it. You are growing up so fast. You will be starting high school in two months. Weird. I remember the day you started kindergarten and then on to junior high school. Now you are off to high school and before I know it, you will be off to college.

You are such a great kid. Remember to always be respectful. Never make a girl cry if you absolutely can help it. When you get married and have children of your own one day, spend as much time with them as you can. Having a father in a child's life is so important. There are so many things a dad can teach a child. One last thing, don't be afraid to tell someone how you feel or how much you love them.

Love you,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2009-05-31T08:36:00.002-05:00

Well, you did it! You graduated 8th grade! High school starts next year. Where did all of the time go?

I am so proud of you! You have grown into such a wonderful young man the past three years. You have matured and grown up so much. I know you had to deal with what has been going on between your dad and I. I am sorry if you were hurt through any part of it.

Just remember how much we love you, even though we are not together. You are the reason all things are possible in my life.

Love you,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2009-05-10T10:10:00.002-05:00

Today is Mother's Day. Without you, nothing could be possible. You have made my dreams come true. Everything I do is for you.

I am so proud of you sweetheart. You are 14 years old and such a handsome young man. You are such a good kid for me and I love you very much.

Life will continue to be tough and challenge you. Always remember the good in people.

Love you,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2009-04-05T10:22:00.002-05:00

Well, your dad and I have been seeing a case worker for a couple of months now. He is going to start helping out financially. This will help out. I worry about your dad though. Even though we are not together, I still care about his well-being. I worry that one day he won't be able to work and won't have any money to live on. I shouldn't tell you my worries. Parents are suppose to be invincible, but as you can see, we have our worries.

School is going well. Braces are coming off soon. You will be in high school next year. I am really proud of you sweetheart. You are the best kid a mom could ever hope for.

Love you,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2009-03-10T13:49:00.002-05:00

Today you had to get all four wisdom teeth pulled. We had to do this because it was pushing your back molar into your other teeth. In order for your braces to continue to work, they had to pull those back wisdom teeth.

You also celebrated a birthday recently. 14 years old! WOW! You are so tall! I know you are anxious to start high school next year, but you have to finish middle school strong.

I just wanted you to remember this day. You were quite miserable with chills and chipmunk cheeks. Too cute for me.

Love you,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2009-01-11T20:37:00.002-06:00

Christmas and the New Year have come and gone. You got a new bike for Christmas and a bike lock to go with it. As I watched you opening up gifts, I remember how you were when you were so much younger. It made me nostalgic and I looked up old pictures of when you were a baby and toddler. I have so many wonderful memories.

I think of you each and every day. Sometimes I will be watching something on television and I will think of you. Those are the times when I call you while you are at your dad's house. Perhaps that is God doing his thing.

I have noticed how you are such in a rush to get things done. Please know that you shouldn't rush when it comes to family. Cherish every moment you have with them.

Love you,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2008-11-03T20:18:00.003-06:00

Fall is here! Today you raked up all of the leaves from our big maple tree out front! Wow! There were so many. You had to use a wheel barrow to put the leaves into the bag.

You go back to school tomorrow. You have been having some trouble. It's all about the choices we make for ourselves. I know you are learning how to make good choices and how to control your emotions, especially when you get angry.

You have been doing so well with the reading program. You finished your first book over 200 pages. The first book was over 400 pages! Fantastic! I am so proud of you. Now you are reading the second book in this series. I knew you could always do it.

Well, it's getting darker now with Daylight Savings Time. Pretty soon we will be facing an icy northern wind and snow. Thanksgiving is around the corner and then on to Christmas. I feel so good knowing you will be here with me.

Love you,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2008-10-04T13:27:00.001-05:00

Hey there. Time is flying by this year and we have reached one of our favorite seasons. The smells of leaves and wood burning fill the evening air. Pretty soon the little ghosts and goblins will be out and we will be passing out lots of candy.

I remember when you were smaller and we would take you trick or treating. I remember once when you almost ran out in the middle of the street because you were so excited to get candy. It got better as you got older. I don't think you will go out this year, since you did not last year. I would like for all of us to go to a haunted house or corn maze. I love that kind of family time.

You recently bought some items for your kitten. However, you have not been able to take these items over to your dad's house because you have not been behaving at school. I know you can overcome what you are having trouble with. It's all about respect and listening to others.

Well sweetheart, I just want you to know how proud I am of you. You are growing up so fast.

Love you,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2008-09-06T19:00:00.004-05:00

Hey Kiddo. I was so cranky with you today. I don't mean to be. I have so much on my mind right now and I have taken it out on you. You have been an innocent bystander in all that is happening, and I am so sorry if I hurt you.

The seasons are changing. The summer days are coming to a close and we are embarking on my favorite season, fall. The way the leaves change color is one of my favorite things to see. Soon, we will be able to break free from the chains that are binding us.

Always know I love you with all of my heart and I am always with you. You are my whole life.

Love you,
Mom

Dear Derrick,

2008-08-16T19:51:00.001-05:00

Well, school has officially started. You are now an 8th grader! Yay! It seems as though you like most of your classes, but you are hesitant about your English class. I think you are going to have a great year!

We had lots of fun this summer. We started getting things for your train hobby. You seem to like everything we have found to get this hobby off to a good start. When we move into a larger home, there will be more room to expand your set.

We played miniature golf and you went to the driving range several times.

You are also in the middle of a tough custody battle. Even though we are trying to leave you out of the mix, it's hard. I selfishly want you to myself all of the time. I miss you when you are away. I can only hope and pray you are being well taken care of.

I just want you to know how much I love you and care about you. I would do anything to make sure you wouldn't feel any pain. Sometimes you don't want to talk about stuff, and though I understand teenage boys aren't big on talking about their feelings, I still feel like I am missing parts of your life when you don't share. I guess I worry too much.

Well, it's back to school on Monday. It will be a fantastic year!

Love you,
Mom

Dear Derrick,

2008-07-11T11:37:00.003-05:00

Summer is halfway over. We enroll for school in about two weeks. This will be the last year of middle school. Eighth grade - now you are the big guy on the school grounds. I just want you to know the next four months are going to get rough between your dad and I. We are trying to come to an agreement, but can seem to get one resolved.

I never want you to be hurt by our words or actions toward each other, but sometimes parents fight. I know one day you will understand.

Well, let's get you off to the YMCA.

Love you,
Mom

Dear Derrick,

2008-06-14T21:20:00.002-05:00

Summer is in full swing! You are so busy playing outside, riding your bike, and watching way too many cartoons on the television. Life of a busy boy! Next year will be full of new firsts! I can't wait for you to start the 8th grade. It was a memorable time for me when I was your age. It's when you are TOP DOG in your school.

We are going through some hard times right now. Your aunt isn't being the nicest of people. Sometimes you will find many people in this world who think it is all about them. They forget what feelings you may have or your thoughts and opinions. All that matter to these people is what they think is right. Very stubborn!

Your cousins are your best friends, I understand. I know you will miss them when you start a new school this year. But this is the part of life that helps you grow. I know you are going to be such a good man when you are older. You will be well-mannered, respectable, and kind. I know your integrity will never be a question. You will be a gentleman.

Oh goodness. I just love you so much! You are growing up so fast! Slow down! One day, I will look back and wonder where all of the time went. There is never enough time. I need to slow down and take advantage of the time I have now. You never know what the future may hold.

Love you,
Mom

Dear Derrick,

2008-05-23T11:13:00.003-05:00

Today is the first day of summer vacation. Sorry, but it may be one long summer. You are at the age where the boring summer camps at the YMCA won't be any fun, but you are too young to go out with your friends on your own. No worries though. We will have fun throughout the summer. I have a surprise for you during the summer with a mini road trip.

School was difficult for you this year. You had lots of bullies teasing you and call you names. It broke my heart. I tried to explain to you that in ten years, none of that will matter. You probably won't be friends with anyone you went to middle school with anyway, maybe one or two.

You are getting so tall. You complain everyday about getting your hair cut. I like the long locks of naturally curly hair, but you don't like the multi-racial hair you were born with. Good thing you've got your mom's texture!

Sometimes when I look at you, you seem so unhappy. I don't know how to fix it. I know you struggle with building relationships with other kids, and I feel so guilty that you were an only child. I always wonder if I had another child, would you feel so lonely. I know you feel lonely in this big world. I wish I could protect you from everything bad that will happen in your life, but I can't. I wish I could take the unhappy moments away and make you happy every day you live. I wish so much for you.

You are such a wonderful kid. I love you more than life itself. I pray every day for your happiness and wellness. I love you so much.

Love you,
Mom

Dear Derrick,

2008-04-23T16:20:00.003-05:00

Hey there tiger. We had a discussion this afternoon because school isn't going so well for you. I know it is so difficult. Kids can be so mean. But I can tell you when you are older, all of that won't matter. No one really cares who was popular when you were in middle or high school. The only ones who care are the ones who can't get over it. The world is such a big place to get lost in. Don't get lost in worrying about what other kids think of you. I know it's easier said than done, but believe me, it's true.

I try and give you good advice. I know ignoring these terrible kids can only work so much. Some kids are just really mean. They are bullies. Unfortunately, their parents have no clue. It's sad.

At least you will have a great summer. I know you are looking forward to spending time with your grandparents.

Love you,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2008-03-28T12:29:00.002-05:00

Hi Honey! Well, it's almost April and spring time is here. You are in track this year and I do believe you will probably do great at long jump and high jump. I can't wait for your first meet.

Grandpa is having a colonoscopy on Tuesday, which is April Fool's Day. When you are a bit older, you will find some humor in this. It's all fun and games until you get one of those, especially on April 1.

Well, I need to get some stuff done around the house on my day off while you are at school. Gotta keep busy, even on my days off.

Love you,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2008-03-05T18:32:00.002-06:00

Well, it's been a rough couple of weeks. You were in the hospital for an emergency surgery for blockage of your bladder. You practically turned into a little man overnight. I won't remind you of all the painful procedures they did on you, but I do want you to know that you are braver than I could have ever been. You were so much braver than me. I am so proud of you!

I celebrated a birthday. You gave me a coffee mug with my favorite college team. Thank you sweetie! You were so worried that I wouldn't get a cake, until Marisa and Uncle Jim surprised us all with one. Going to Grandma and Grandpa's house is fun, isn't it?

Well, I better order the pizza you are asking for. We aren't cooking tonight. Yah!

Love you,
Mom

Dear Derrick,

2008-02-14T20:00:00.000-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

I Love You!!!

Love you,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2008-02-13T11:44:00.003-06:00

You are at home sick from school today. I imagine you have the crud that is going around. I had it last week and that is where you probably were in contact with this weird illness. First, the headache, second, the coughing and probable throwing up. Right now, you are in that "I want to lay down" stage.

We had parent/teacher conferences yesterday. You have been doing better with school, however, you are behind in a couple of classes. Socially, you still could be getting along better. I can understand how hard it is to fit into school. There are so many mouthy kids and sometimes they will say things that will hurt your feelings. You just have to make sure you don't turn into one of those mouthy kids yourself.

Well, I just wanted to give a little update. I don't post as much as I would like, but I do try as much as I can.

Love you,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2008-02-07T21:13:00.000-06:00

Hey there kiddo. You just had a birthday. 13 years old. Wow, I can't believe it! Where have all of the years gone?

You have certainly changed overnight. You are so tall, and oh so very quiet. You don't talk as much as you used to, but I guess it's normal. At least that is what my friends are telling me. We went to Outback Steakhouse for your birthday dinner and the service was horrible. Do you remember that? I didn't even finish my meal. Then we went to Cold Stone Creamery and you got some ice cream.

We have parent/teacher conferences coming up next week. I am sure you are doing well. I talked to one of your teachers today and she says she enjoys having you in class very much. That's good!

I am so proud of you sweetie. You are growing up so fast. I hope not too fast. Well, I better get to bed and get some rest for this cold I have.

Love you,
Mom

Dear Derrick,

2008-01-19T22:15:00.000-06:00

You are definitely putting your new cell phone to use! I am so happy we got it for you! I love being able to talk to you anytime you are at your dad's or uncle's house.

We are going to see Grandma and Grandpa tomorrow. I hope they are doing okay. I know grandma has a cold and grandpa will be tired from work. I know you will do your best to help grandpa out. You are such a wonderful kid.

We are staying until Monday because you don't have school. Monday is Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday and it is a holiday. This man was very important. He has helped sculpt the way we live today, years after his death.

Well, I need to get to bed. Working early tomorrow.

Love you,

Mom

Dear Derrick,

2008-01-13T18:33:00.000-06:00

This weekend, we went to visit your Uncle Jim. Grandma went with us. We drove to pick her up, then drove to Kansas City to visit. You had a wonderful time at Dave and Busters. You won a bunch of tickets on the wheel spin. Grandma was so proud of you, as was I. Uncle Jim couldn't believe how many tickets you won!

I have to tell you that I am very worried about Grandpa. I don't think he has been feeling very well. I am making an appointment for him to see an endocrinologist. Your grandpa has had some problems when he has his bowel movements. I know it's kind of gross to talk about, but you are very grown up and it is important. Your aunt Mary called tonight crying. She was very sad. She thinks Grandpa has colon cancer.

Oh my God.... my poor dad. I hope he is okay. He is only 53 and I want him to live to see you have children one day. It breaks my heart more than anything to know he might be very sick.

Derrick, sweetie, I am hurting so much inside. You still are unsure about death. I worry about the pain you will have to endure when someone close to you dies. When my Grandpa died, I was so sad. I cried for days and days. It is a very painful thing to go through.

I did not want to write you today about something so sad, but you must learn that sometimes, life can be very sad. We will hope for the best always.

I love you very much.

Love you,
Mom

Dear Derrick,

2008-01-02T20:42:00.001-06:00

Tomorrow you are going back to school. I know you are probably not looking forward to it, but, that is life. You have had a really good Christmas break - restful and fun.

Here are some of the gifts you received this year. From your Uncle Jim, you got a 10 gallon fish tank and a $25 gift card to Wal-mart for accessories. From your Aunt Marnie, you received a Chief's hoodie and hat and a WSU hoodie. From grandma and grandpa you received some clothes and some kind of remote control flying thing (can you tell I know what I am talking about?). Josh and I gave you your first cell phone, two books, lots of clothes, a bunch of SpongeBob gadgets, the Simpsons Sorry game, and a couple of other things. Some gifts you received from other family members were a little bank, the Simpsons Movie, and some glow sticks.

You really wanted a some sort of storm launcher? but did not receive one. We are planning something big for your 13th birthday. I can't wait.

Well, I better get off of this computer so I can make sure you are ready for tomorrow. By the way, you have a bottomless pit of an appetite!

Love you,
Mom

Dear Derrick,

2008-01-01T08:54:00.001-06:00

It's the first day of the new year, and though many people will be making resolutions, I don't think I will. Today, you are at your aunt and uncle's house, I am sure.

No worries. I will be picking you up this afternoon. I miss you when you go with your dad. I wish I could have you all to myself. How selfish am I? Very!

Love you,
Mom

Dear Derrick,

2007-12-31T23:22:00.000-06:00

This is the very first post of the blog I have started for you. I promise to post as much as I can when I can. It's my hope one day you will find this and read it.

You were a feisty baby when you were born. I remember the day very clearly. I had just eaten a ton of food: baked pork chops, mashed potatoes, green beans, and rolls. I thought I heard a gunshot outside (it was only a truck backfiring) and as I got up to look, my water broke. Your dad was working late and was not home. Your Aunt Lisa called him to tell him what was going on. He came home, changed, and took me to the hospital. The pains weren't bad at first, but oh did they get bad. I was in labor for 12 hours from the time my water broke to the time you were born. It was one of many happy days in my life.

As I said, you were a feisty baby. So feisty, in fact, you did not want much to do with me. You were a bit of a pig when it came to breast feeding, a little glutton in my lap. You grew to have a great big appetite, even today.

Speaking of today, you did a very good job of cleaning up the living room and rec room. Thank you. We ate at the nearby Chinese/Mexican restaurant down the street. I think it will become one of our new favorite grab-n-go restaurants. Time will tell.

Well, I am keeping this first post short. I have so much to tell you, it's hard to know where to start. I will end this first post by telling you how much I love you. I am so proud of you. You are the best thing I ever did.
(posted last week of December 2007)

...It is now New Year's Eve. In less than an hour it will be 2008. Happy New Year sweetheart. I love you so much.

Love you,
Mom